i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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