Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
operation have a gay friend backfired
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
