I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
