Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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