I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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