I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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