I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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