He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
