I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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