My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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