You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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