I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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