I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Someone shattered a urinal.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
