Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
