she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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