he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
