I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
