Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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