i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
