I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
