Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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