I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
