everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
