dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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