I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
