Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
