No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
