Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize