Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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