sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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