I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
