So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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