i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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