My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize