How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
