True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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