I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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