The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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