one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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