Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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