he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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