I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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