Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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