Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
