A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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