All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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