Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize