why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
