If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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