i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
