Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
