Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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