if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
