She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
