i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
