I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize