just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
