Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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