I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
