I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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