The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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