i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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