hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
