I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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