Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
