The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
