I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
