i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
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